I have always known how to give love. It took me much longer to learn how to receive it. For most of my life, I have been very good at figuring things out. If I did not know how to do something, my instinct was to learn. If something went wrong, I would look for another way. I rarely thought first about who I could ask. I think I learned early that being capable mattered. Growing up as an athlete reinforced that part of me. Over time, I became the person who would figure things out.
Then I immigrated, and that part of me became even stronger. Suddenly, there were hundreds of things I did not know. How to build a life in a country where so many things that seemed obvious to everyone else were completely new to me.
So I searched, read, tried, made mistakes, and tried again. Sometimes I would spend far too long trying to solve something on my own before asking another person a question that probably would have taken them five minutes to answer. I told myself I did not want to bother anyone. I would ask for help if I really needed it, but most of the time I was always able to convince myself that I had not reached that point yet.
The same pattern followed me into work. If I did not know something, I wanted to understand it before going to someone else. Part of that came from genuine curiosity because I love learning. It took me a long time to notice that this was not only about immigration or work. It showed up in very ordinary parts of my life too. If I was hosting a party, I wanted to do everything myself. I would plan and make the food, prepare the space, think about the small details, and make sure everyone had what they needed. If someone asked, “Do you want me to bring something?” my instinct was usually to say, “No, it’s okay. I’ve got it.” And I genuinely meant it.
Doing things for people has always been one of the ways I show love. I like creating a space where people can relax. I like thinking ahead. I like the small gestures that tell someone, without needing to say it directly, that I thought about them and that I am happy they are here. I never questioned that. Then I started wondering what was happening on the other side of the exchange.
What if someone actually wanted to help?
What if bringing dessert, setting the table, or arriving early made them feel included? What if my automatic “I’ve got it” was not only saving them effort, but also closing a door they were trying to walk through?
That question stayed with me because I know how good it feels to help someone I care about. When a friend asks me for something, I rarely experience it as an inconvenience. Often, I am glad they asked. I like knowing I could make something easier for them. I like being able to contribute.
I realized I had been allowing myself that experience while quietly denying it to other people. That changed the way I thought about receiving. Letting someone help you can also be an act of love. It gives them room to contribute, to feel involved, and to show care in their own way. Sometimes saying yes to help is simply another way of saying, “There is room for you here.”
This was harder for me to accept because independence had become such an important part of my identity. Immigration gave me a lot of evidence that I could adapt, learn, and keep going. I am still proud of that version of me. She found ways forward when she did not know what she was doing, and that resourcefulness became a source of confidence.
But I can also see now that some things did not have to be as difficult as I made them. There were questions I could have asked sooner. There were moments when I could have let someone carry something. I used to think generosity was mostly about what we were willing to give. Now I think there is something generous about receiving too. It can be as simple as accepting a compliment without minimizing it, saying yes when someone offers support, or letting another person give you their time without immediately thinking about how you will repay it.
Receiving can be uncomfortable because it asks for trust. You have to believe that the other person is offering because they want to. You have to let yourself be seen as someone who does not always have everything handled.
I have started noticing this in smaller moments now. When someone asks, “Can I bring anything?” I try not to answer too quickly. Sometimes love is letting someone arrive with the dessert. Sometimes it is asking the question before you have exhausted every possible answer. Sometimes it is letting someone carry a little of what you were fully prepared to carry yourself.
I spent a long time learning how to stand on my own. Maybe growing older is also learning that I do not have to prove that I can, every single time.
There are people who want to show up for us.
Maybe part of loving them is letting them.
With Heart,
Bahar